Tina Sedersten, MSW, School Liaison/CAPH Therapist
Q:
When I tell my child no, I often find myself eventually giving in and letting
her have her way, even when I know it's only going to make it harder
the next time I tell her no. But we end up
arguing, and I begin to question
my own judgement. How can I be better
about enforcing the rules, and in terms of setting limits, how much is too much?
A: In a world that is
becoming more complicated and dangerous, it’s increasingly important to set
limits with your children. Limit setting is an important responsibility of
parents as a part of childrearing. Children are faced with difficult decisions
on a daily basis and without the proper foundation of self-restraint they may
not be able of make appropriate choices when necessary. Limits teach children
proper restraint in social and individual activities and provide children with
necessary structure and security to assist in healthy development. Setting
limits also provide children with guidance before they have an opportunity to
get into trouble, thus making them more successful with everyday life.
Here are a few points to consider when setting limits with your child.
1). Limits should be age-appropriate.
A child’s age and developmental level needs to be considered when setting
limits.
All children have a need for independence and individualization; however,
they also need structure, security and parental involvement. For example,
2-year-old toddlers have a strong need to explore their environment but they
also need limits to ensure safety within that environment. Furthermore,
teenagers have a developmental need for individualization; however, teenagers
are shown to be more successful with parental involvement in difficult decision
making.
2). Positive and negative consequences for not abiding by limits should be
well known by the parent and the child.
Limits should be discussed and set prior to the situation. Even though it’s
impossible to plan for all situations, everyday situations also have limits.
Expectations placed upon a child should be clear and consequences should be
reasonable and natural. For instance, a teenager who comes home 30 minutes late
for curfew may need to come in 30 minutes earlier the following night. A child
who is misbehaving while playing with a particular toy may need to have that toy
removed from them for the remainder of the day.
3). It is helpful to set limits together with your child.
Naturally, limits that ensure a child’s safety, the safety of others, and the
safety of ones environment should not be negotiable. For other situations, if
you take the time to set limits with your child they will be more invested in
the rules and expectations and more likely to abide by them.
4). Be consistent.
Children respond in a positive manner in an environment in which they
know what to expect and what is excepted of them. A child will be more
respectful towards rules and more willing to abide by them if the rules are
clear and consistent. Limits should only be changed if they are negotiated ahead
of time. Case in point, say your child’s curfew is set for 8:00 p.m. but there
is a school activity they wish to attend that doesn’t end until 8:30 p.m. You
may be ok with your child attending the activity until it is over if they come
directly home afterwards. Situations like this may have negotiable limits if
there is a safe environment with appropriate supervision and the child’s
behavior warrants this level of parental trust.
5). Enforce limits and consequences in a calm manner.
When children break rules, it is easy for caregivers to become upset. When
caregivers set forth limits or consequence when they are upset, the consequences
or limits may be unreasonable due to heightened emotions. Limits and
consequences that are set when emotions are high are generally withdrawn once
the caregiver is calm. Withdrawing a consequence or suddenly changing a limit
confuses children and damages much needed consistency.
6). Mean what you say.
Once a limit is set, it is imperative to stick to it. If limits and
consequences are withdrawn without reason of prior negotiation, children will
continuously challenge them and attempt to manipulate their caregiver into
changing the limits. Manipulation may come in the form of begging, whining,
arguing, lying, temper tantrums, etc. All attempts to manipulate consequences or
limits must be ignored to ensure that the child understands that you mean what
you say.
7). Don’t argue with your child.
There is no need to argue a consequence or limit with your child. Even
though it is beneficial to have your child’s input on limits and consequences,
as the caregiver, you have the final say. It is easy to become wrapped up in a
power struggle with a child. Children quickly become masters of this game.
Always remember that there is no need for a power struggle with children. You
are the caregiver and you set the limits and consequences. If and when your
child becomes argumentative, refuse to argue with them and continue to enforce
the consequence and/or limit. Eventually, the child will realize that arguing
gets them nowhere and they will begin to accept their limits and consequences
with less resistance.
